I peered around the curtains at the couple living in their van across the street. I’ll call them Bob and Lisa. I'd met them and talked to them several times since we’d moved in. Who knows how old Bob and Lisa were-- after years of meth and alcohol use, it was hard to tell.

Now, they were grizzled, gray-haired, self-appointed watchdogs of the city park. They’d mellowed in their older age, especially Bob, who went into violent rages when he was younger— they’d gotten off meth by transitioning to smoking copious amounts of weed from morning 'til night. 

I was just thinking about how the definition of "hard" changes over time. 

When I was newly sober:

• Going to a Mexican restaurant and ordering an agua fresca instead of a Negro Modelo felt hard. 

• Sitting in front of my TV without a glass of wine in my hand felt hard. 

• Cleaning the house without being stoned felt hard. 

But I did it, and it got easier and easier. 

One of the most important mindset shifts and skills that we have the privilege to learn in sobriety is knowing:

• When to rest

• How to rest your body, mind, and spirit in a way that is truly rejuvenating

(And on a bigger-picture scale, how do you create a balanced life where you are keeping things simple enough to not exist on that knife-edge of anxiety?)

Am I at rock bottom? I wondered as I Googled “Am I an alcoholic” and “Is weed addictive” for the hundredth time.

With each step, what sank in was that the expression of my true personality wasn’t welcome here. It was preferable for me to purchase something generic rather than put my time into creating something unique.

If I wanted to fit in– and I did— I’d better learn to fit in the way they wanted me to, because it wasn’t going to happen by me being my actual true self.

Night one: All I remember is being part of a group entering the largest, fanciest living space I’d ever seen. I felt like a country bumpkin who literally lived in a barn being brought into the mansion where the rich people lived. We may have sat in a circle. We probably had the sorority members ask us questions. I have this image of a blurry sea of shadowy faces, and I was just trying to take it all in.

But even after I’d had a full-body knowing that sobriety was a forever thing for me, some shadows of insecurity lurked in the corners.

How did I get from this place of mostly positive to my current 100% conviction that sobriety is one of the best choices I have ever made?

The person that you thought you knew when you were drinking/using is not the person you are now, and is not the person you will be tomorrow. What do I mean by that?

Every once in awhile, I stop into a Facebook group for sober women run by someone I know. She asked a question recently about whether anyone was experiencing stagnation after a year sober. I was interested to see comments like “I’m almost five years sober, and I’m bored”.

Now I don’t know the story of the woman who posted that comment, but to me boredom = comfort zone. This lady needs to get out of her comfort zone!