Why Does My Why Feel So Controversial?

Looking back at my journals and emails from 2018, I see that from the very beginning of my sobriety journey, I've been consistent about my WHY. 

• Alcohol and weed were taking more than they were giving. 

• I had a sense that I had greater potential than was possible to realize if I kept down the road I was on. 

But it took a long time for those reasons to be enough for me to take action. And observers and bystanders argue that they aren’t.

Before I made the decision

On the one hand, I was tired of the way when people asked me if I remembered such-and-such from a movie, I was embarrassed to admit that I couldn't because I hadn't seen a movie sober in 20 years. That didn’t seem… right.

On the other, I felt scared--like I was going to have to become a new person, and I didn’t know how to do it.

Or if I even truly wanted to do it. 

Frankly, I was terrified at the unknown ahead.

It was confusing though, because AA, rehab, and counseling were the only methods I had ever heard of for people who decided to quit drinking or drugs.

I wasn’t at the point where I needed rehab. AA didn’t resonate with me at all.  Counseling is helpful, but I knew it wouldn't help me stop drinking and smoking. 

After privately voicing my wonderings about sobriety to two guyfriends at work who had 1) quit alcohol and was loving the results and 2) quit both alcohol and weed on his own, I realized that it was possible, and the only person who could make that change, was me. 

It was up to me to do it myself, in my own way.


So what's so controversial about that? 

Besides those two work friends, I'd never heard of anyone else in my situation just deciding to quit. The only other examples I knew of sobriety were people who had hit "rock bottom", and had no choice.

Was I at rock bottom? I wondered as I Googled Am I an alcoholic and Is weed addictive for the hundredth time.

I had a Master's degree, I had a job that I loved and paid well. I’d been a bike commuter for over a decade, ate kale and lentils, posted lots of pictures on Instagram from my adventures outside.

As an intelligent, goal-driven person, shouldn't I be able to simply set rules and stick to them?


Shouldn't I just keep doing like they say, "Everything in moderation" and "Drink/Use responsibly"?

 But…

For the sake of WHAT??

Should I keep wasting time, money, and energy on moderation and responsibility...Just so I could keep getting drunk and high?? 

My why was crystallizing.

My suspicion became stronger and stronger that my habitual… now compulsive use of weed and alcohol were negatively affecting my quality of life, and my desire to do something about that was becoming overwhelming.

After I'd made the decision 


It started out more as a wish, than a decision. I went through a few rounds of “I’m not going to drink right now, or I’m not going to get high. The only tool I had was a Youtube channel of self-hypnosis that I believe did actually help. 



After taking 20 pictures trying to get the right angle of my face so I would look happy during a Memorial Day Weekend when I was anything but… I woke up on Tuesday with a commitment to one year sober.

In one camp I had people who "didn't even think I had a problem".



From their reaction when I tentatively announced my new sober experiment, I felt like they were judging me for wanting more from life. (Yes, I realize it's all projections, but that uneasy feeling of being judged was still there.)


Friends at work already thought I was extreme because I rode my bike four miles to work and was president of a Toastmasters Club. Now that I'd gone sober I'd obviously gone off the deep end. lol



Yet in the other camp, this one friend I'd known for years who was in AA kept telling me I wasn't admitting to having ENOUGH of a problem. She told me that if I didn't confess that I had a lifelong disease, and start going to meetings every day, I wouldn't be able to stay sober. 

Where I am now

That year experiment quickly turned into more. Now I can’t imagine ever wanting to go back.

I eventually came to my own beliefs-- that we are born into this time and place to fulfill a special purpose. That we each have an integral part that wants to heal, to renew, and to grow. Eliminating substances led to an underground warren of paths to excavate and explore. I've worked my tail off to do that... with lots of different mentors and guides and coaches.... in my own way! 

For whatever reason, more and more of us are awakening to that spark of potential. The amount of sobriety social accounts, podcasts, and programs has exploded since I got sober in May of 2018, and the Dry January awareness this year has been off the hook.

Just like it’s a shame there’s a stigma against “nerds” in school who love learning, there shouldn't be anything controversial about having an awakening, realizing substances are no longer relevant, and making your own choices for healing and coming to wholeness.  

You might be reading this because you too want to feel more normal.....

In this binary world where the choices are  a) get drunk/high because you are normal or b) you are a recovering addict for life and are not normal... 

I can reassure you that you are indeed, normal. 

We may not conform to what's considered standard, typical, common, or average at this point in time. ..

But that's a good thing. :) 

Wherever you are, you are not alone. 

Sending you love, 

Naomi Veak