The Random Woman in the Coffee Shop

Last week I was getting a drink from my local coffee shop when a women commented on how pretty my drink looked. 

She had a kind-looking face, I felt like I could tell something about her personality from the way she dressed, she had the guts to make a light comment on a stranger's drink, and I had the passing thought that she could be a potential friend. 

Why? I had the above quote from Julie Beck rattling around in my head. 

Julie wrote an article series in The Atlantic for three years called The Friendship Files, in which she interviewed friends. 

When I recently read Julie's article summarizing what she'd learned from her three years of friend interviews, my head was nodding off my shoulders in agreement. It's a perfect match with everything I've learned through research, in coaching, brain-based manifestation, and from my own experience. 

As Julie wrote, "It's never too late to meet someone who will be important to you for the rest of your life." 

But for it to work out, I have to be okay with being vulnerable and awkward, and with it not working out. 

Julie identifies six forces that help form and maintain friendships.  The basis of all of them, she calls: Grace. You have to give yourself and others grace. 

I call it courage and emotional resiliency. 

I'll share more about this later, but the truth is-- I didn't get the chance to learn friendship skills as a kid. As a Jehovah's Witness, I was told that everyone who wasn't a JW was under the control of the devil. 

I wasn't allowed to spend time with anyone who wasn't a JW outside of school. My congregation was so small, I had one JW friend, Heidi, who lived an hour away on the highway. 

When my family left the organization, I was almost 16.

My first new friends were anyone who would accept me. 

Over the years, I hung out with a lot of people that I didn't really like. Not all the time, but a lot of the time. My point of connection was often that we were all stoners, or that they accepted me being one. 

Now that I'm living this fully conscious life, I've had to develop an entirely new set of skills to have the relationships I actually want. 

It's been a hard-earned skillset, but I've learned the #1 most basic skill of friendship-- to be willing to put myself out there, but unattached to the outcome of whether something works out or not. My self-worth doesn't depend on it. I'm emotionally resilient. 

A few weeks ago, I watched a male pigeon attempting to woo a mate. When she didn't seem receptive, he just starting paying attention to another one. 

Yes, this is a weird analogy, but it's healthy to be like that pigeon! 

There are a bazillion different reasons why someone may not be available for friendship with me (or you) at any given moment, and alsoif you keep your eyes and heart open for potential connection, it could be that random woman in the coffee shop who becomes a new buddy.

Because the facts are clear--You need friends for your wellbeing. And if you have a partner, they shouldn't be your only friend. 

So stay willing for connection to happen, and willing for it to not.

Sobriety is definitely not the end of your social life-- it can be the beginning.