Think You’re Better Off Going it Alone? What Community Can Offer You

When I was a freshman in college, I was a naive girl from rural Wyoming who knew nothing about higher education. 

The only person who had told me anything about the college experience was my dad, who told a couple of tantalizingly short tales about how he smoked too much pot, dropped too much acid, and despite being incredibly intelligent, only made it through a single semester at Cal Poly. Now he was almost 40, back in school at a community college, working night shifts to pay his bills. 

I didn’t like listening to my dad, so basically, I knew nothing. 

How I wanted to be seen— a cool Grunge chick! Here on a weekend trip to Seattle.

When the group of party girls from my dorm that I’d started hanging out with declared they were going to rush sororities, I begged my parents, who were newly divorced and struggling to survive financially,  to promise me they would cover the additional cost when I got in. I managed to play on their insecurities and desire to help me fit in with the rich kids, and they agreed.  (yay for parents and their insecurities! :/)

What’s rush all about? In case you also are not familiar– it’s a sort of vetting system when freshman and the sorority get to make a match.

I don’t know how it works anywhere else, but this is how it worked where I was– Over the course of a week, the rushees pick the sororities they want to join, the sororities get to decide which rushees they want to invite to become members, and then the match is made and everyone squeals and jumps for joy.

It involves a lot of ceremony, and being ushered in and out of impressively ornate buildings with giant columns. 

With my parents' consent in hand, it was time for the sororities to get us freshman prepared for the experience of rush. 

The upperclassman assigned to my small group assured us that although technically the sororities could drop rushees on the first night of the week, we shouldn’t worry because it NEVER happened. No one EVER got dropped the first night. (You may be able to predict what’s coming here…) 

Night one: All I remember is being part of a group entering the largest, fanciest living space I’d ever seen. I felt like a country bumpkin who literally lived in a barn being brought into the mansion where the rich people lived.

We may have sat in a circle.

Sorority members probably asked us questions.

I have this image of a blurry sea of shadowy faces, and I was just trying to take it all in. 

As you probably already guessed, I was dropped by one of the three sororities on the first night. Not only that, but  it was the one my new friends had already chosen as their favorite because it seemed to have the coolest people. 

I was flabbergasted and embarrassed. 

I hadn’t even considered that while I was open-eyed, gawking at the house and the people inside, at the same time the people I was gawking at were literally judging me. 

Shook, the next night I decided to turn on some frantic “please like me” energy. It didn’t work, because I was dropped by the second two sorority houses. 

Ashamed of what I believed this said about me and my likability, I hid in my room the rest of the week while my friends happily completed the process, and were all accepted into the house I’d been dropped by the first night. 

At this point, I got pissed.

I’d already gone through what I perceived as the humiliation of not making into the choirs I thought I deserved to be in, and I couldn’t accept that my friends were that much better at being accepted than I was! 

After the formality of rush, there is a back door open for a couple of spots that didn’t get filled. 

I worked the system, figured out how to play up the charm, and felt vindicated when made it into the sorority my new friends were in. 

As a pledge, posing with girls that I decided were too “goody-goody” for me to get to know.

After a year, I dropped the sorority. 

The reality was, I had a one track mind for my boyfriend, partying, and above all wanted the freedom to engage in both of those things whenever I wanted. If I had let myself soften into the experience of the sorority, I might have been able to learn a lot about leadership and responsibility. 

But I didn’t, so who knows.

My purpose for joining wasn’t very strong, and I wasn’t interested in what the community had to offer. Besides, the Greek system is pretty weird, and all the rules activated religious trauma I didn’t know I had. 

Now that I’m older and wiser, I’ve learned to choose communities that work for me. :) What purpose have I discovered that  a community can serve? 

This is what I’ve experienced from the communities I’ve actually belonged to: 

• It’s a place to see a precious aspect of myself reflected back in others. A place where that part of me  is affirmed by interaction with others who share the same values.

• If it’s a healthy community, it welcomes me as a new member where I am, and give me opportunities and encouragement to grow at my own pace. At the same time, it will nudge me into areas of growth when I’m feeling quite comfortable in my inertia, thank you very much, and draw my attention to shadows that need to be brought to light.

• It’s a place where I can relax into the patience that it takes to find my way, find my place, and figure out where I fit in as my life continues to unfold. Sometimes other aspects of life take my attention and energy, but I know the community is there, supporting me energetically, and ready to receive me when I turn back towards. 

• It’s a collective of people who are instruments of intuition and divine guidance– all I have to do is show up and receive. They are not exactly like me, and that’s a good thing! 

• And just maybe, if I show up often enough with a gentle open mind and heart, I’ll find one, or two people where there is mutual magnetism, and eventually we’ll become true friends. 

Now that I’m sober, I’m all about intentional, conscious choices. I’ve learned that usually I need to give a community a good chance before I decide if it’s for me. Sometimes I feel the desire to flee just when things are getting good, because I’m about to uplevel if I stay, and that can be scary.

What about you?

What have you experienced in communities you’ve belonged to?

What have you learned from them?

How have you grown?

Have you stuck with them long enough to become comfortable, or do you join and quickly leave? 

Have you had friendships emerge from the experience?

Have you had negative experiences and now you feel nervous about joining another group?