How I Went From Being Sober to Being Authentically Proud of Being Sober

If you asked me ten years ago if I could imagine a life without alcohol and pot. I would have laughed— but not the happy kind of laugh, more like a resolved, trying-to-make-the-best-of-it kind of laugh.

Even though I’d been struggling with my dependence on those substances for years, I only knew of a single path to sobriety, and it looked depressing as hell.

From what I observed, sobriety was a lifetime commitment to feeling sorry for myself. No thank you! That was, and still is the complete opposite of the way I want to live my life. 

It took me a long time to find my own way to sobriety. I would quit one substance, then the other. Then I’d just give up and return to status quo. I’d tell myself I wouldn’t drink for a week, and only make it until after dinner on Day One.

When I’d finally had enough time, experimentation, awareness, consequences, contemplation, and building of resources, I embarked on what I proclaimed to be a year’s experiment with sobriety.

For the first few months, my feelings ranged from ecstatic to second-guessing-my-decision-and-looking-for-a-technicality-to-get-some-relief-from-relentless-reality.

I kept my attention and intention focused on healing and growth by reading and applying books about emotional intelligence, spirituality, positive psychology, took transformative online courses that helped me uncover unconscious beliefs, journaled and meditated daily.

Thanks to all this personal work, (combined with a determination to not pay attention to the parts of me that wanted out of this deal, and a dogged refusal to give in to self-pity), I had a generally positive mindset about sobriety.

But even after I’d had a full-body knowing that sobriety was a forever thing for me, some shadows of insecurity lurked in the corners.

How did I get from this place of mostly positive to my current 100% conviction that sobriety is one of the best choices I have ever made?

Here are three influences in my personal paradigm shift:

• A friend told me their therapist had recommended Annie Grace’s new book This Naked Mind: Find Freedom, Discover Happiness, and Change Your Life.  After devouring the pages of the book over a weekend,  I felt an energy shift from positive-tinged-with-shame to beaming pride. For the first time, I was fully, unabashedly proud of my choice to be sober. I felt true freedom. 

• Holly Whittaker’s book Quit Like a Woman:The Radical Choice Not to Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol was released almost exactly three years ago, and I had ordered an advance copy. When I read her take on alcohol and feminism, I felt the feminist in me roar in return. I was one of those people that was like OH MY GOD EVERYONE WAKE UP AND SMELL THE PATRIARCHY! Don’t you all see how mommy wine culture and drinking like the boys is harming women? 

• Since January 2020, I regularly spend time with other sober women who talk about how much sobriety has positively impacted their lives. I get to witness them as they do incredible things like climb Everest, work on an MBA while working a full-time job and being a mom to two small kids, write books, learn to socialize sober, sit in their first women’s circle and share vulnerably, show up even when they are afraid. I hear them express gratitude and pride in their alcohol-free, drug-free life that mirrors and amplifies the way I feel about mine. 

What else?

Just like I used to keep a constant scan for cute boys when I was a teenager, I also keep a look out for positive reinforcement from folks who I only see in the media, such as:

Drew Barrymore, who is in the middle of building an empire, and I’m sure sobriety is a huge support for her! 

Jolene Parks, who focuses on gray area drinking (that’s where most of us were!) and supporting holistic nervous system recovery through functional nutrition. (She’s not famous, but I don’t know her personally.) I can almost feel my nervous system calling out for her help a few years ago.

And to reinforce the outdoor athlete part of myself– married couple Gabrielle Reece (who has never been a drinker) and Laird Hamilton, big wave surfer, sober over ten years. 

What about you?

How do you feel about a substance-free life? How do you want to feel?

How do your beliefs and self-talk support your choices, and your self-image?

Who do you look to for positive reinforcement of your healthy choices?