The Unblocking//Three Years Sober
The thing you give to the world is also the thing you need the most.-- Simon Sinek
Hi. It’s my three year soberversary.
Looking back, I’m still astonished at what big difference the Decision made in my life.
Shortly before I had my last drink and smoke I wrote:
Maybe I’m not too fat, maybe
I’m just becoming more dense.
My individual cells weigh more & more
as they fill with the detritus of my dying dreams.
That’s why it’s so hard
to get out of bed in the morning.
I had become energetically heavier and heavier. One Sunday morning, I attempted a trail run with my husband, and as the sunlight shimmered on the bright green leaves of spring, my legs moved as if through mud until my leaden feet became too much effort to lift. He walked beside me in silence, as I dragged myself and my foul mood back to the car.
This wasn’t a hangover (although it also likely was). It was an accumulation of disappointment and regrets, secret keeping and constant image management. It was exhausting, and I was done.
A couple weeks later, I’d made my initial decision— an experiment of one year sober— and I wrote this:
To-do list
Shake out the sheets
Wash the inside of the house w/ fresh lemon
Catch & release the spiders
Shred all the veggies for dinner
Paint my toes the color of roses
Open all the doors & windows
Sit by the front door & watch the street
Wait for something to come in
There is so much hope in that second piece of writing compared to the first! I had no idea what was going to start flowing into my life when I made the decision to remove alcohol and weed, but I knew I’d made room for something.
What came through was an energetic force that pushed against the logjam that had been keeping me from authentic connection with myself, and with other people.
Two days after the decision, I had a very vulnerable, awkward conversation with the head of HR, and my manager at work about a bullying issue I’d been dealing with on my own for 2 ½ years.
Five days after the decision, I had the first honest conversation I’d had with my husband in months (years?).
In my journal, I wrote:
My drinking and smoking felt like a secret I was keeping from people, and I look forward to seeing how openness and honesty will bring more flow into my life in general.
I knew that in order to be successful, I needed to surround myself with people who would support me in my work to uncover my true, fully-realized self.
One of my biggest focuses right now should be making friends w/ someone smart, healthy... w/out a substance abuse problem.
But how was I supposed to make these new, supportive relationships? It’s already hard enough to make friends as an adult, but finding ones who also don’t drink? And having the confidence to make friends with people sober when you have socialized with a drink in your hands for years? I felt like I was walking around in a new skin, barely understanding who I was. Making new connections in that state? Impossible, right?
I had a push/pull with the idea of forming new relationships. I wanted it. I knew I needed it. On the other hand, every time I put myself out there, I found myself astonished at what came out of my mouth.
I had a heightened sense of self-awareness. I noticed when I censored myself. When I judged myself. When I overshared. When I wasn’t a good listener. I journaled and meditated and self-talked my way through it all. Started to truly understand the power of self-compassion, and how to practice it. Read and did exercises from self-help books. Attended workshops and classes to learn self-connection skills, and at the same time, become less self-absorbed as I learned how to mindfully keep my attention on another person and their experience, while simultaneously monitoring the impact I felt, without having to make it all about me.
With every authentic interaction I have, I discover something new about myself. And then I forget it, and relearn it, over and over.
These last three years have been transformational beyond my powers of description. Decades ago, alcohol and weed had began choking off my natural self-expression and connection with others, until I was suffocating. When I removed those substances, I couldn’t get enough. I went from feeling entirely disconnected from both myself, and from other people, to being inspired to create this new community of alcohol-free women who inspire and support each other every day. And they do the same for me.
I don’t claim to know everything. I’m not a sobriety coach, I’m not an expert on addiction. But I am a learner, a teacher, and a leader. I’ve got a flashlight that I’m shining on this path we are on, and if you want to walk with me with your flashlight, the more lights as we can have illuminating the path, the better.
In an Instagram live the other day Simon Sinek, inspirational speaker and author said: The thing you give to the world is also the thing you need the most.
And it is so true. As woman starting her fourth year in an alcohol-free life, I need belonging, inclusion, companionship, support, honesty, acceptance. I need love. And that’s what I’m working on giving to all of you.