How to Feel Better Most of the Time
That was then…
Sunlight shimmered on the technicolor green leaves of early spring as birds trilled out their urgent messages. Yet as I followed the undulating Wildwood Trail in Forest Park, my steps slowed into a trudge, barely able to lift my feet. Every cell of my body felt as if it were filled with lead.
I was angry.
I was angry that I was surrounded by nature’s magic, yet I was unable to appreciate it.
The night before, I hadn’t even drank or smoked more than usual, but it seemed like the entirety of all the alcohol, and all the weed, from all those years-- had finally become so dense that I couldn’t ignore it’s weight.
This palpable heaviness was in such sharp contrast to the natural buoyancy of spring, it hurt.
-----
This is now…
My paddles dipped slowly in and out of the serene green water of Scappoose Bay, when my husband called out, “Look at those birds!”.
I followed his finger to the flock of thirty or so birds above the horizon. My eyes followed them as they rose hundreds of feet in the air, and I estimated a wingspan of ten feet. They were big!
The large creatures were mostly bright white with black on the wings, and instead of flying in a straight line, they swirled in slow circles, flashing white, then black, seeming to disappear and then reappear in the bright blue sky.
My entire being felt alive as I maneuvered my rented kayak and silently watched the mesmerizing, changing patterns move above us.
Over homemade pizza that night, I used my Sibley Field Guide to Birds and the internet to determine that they were migrating American White Pelicans, which indeed have wingspans of 9-10 feet.
I can feel the buzz in my body right now, as I recall the thrill of those soaring majestic birds.
What changed? It’s not just that I got sober. This is an intentional practice.
Getting sober over three years ago meant that I eliminated alcohol and weed from my life.
Those things were making me feel bad. But what happens if all you do is take away the thing that makes you feel bad? You feel “not-bad”.
I didn’t want to just feel “not-bad”. I wanted to feel better than that, to feel more of the pleasure of life. That takes the work of recovery.
It’s not that I wanted to feel a bubbly, juicy pleasure all of the time. Challenge, and hard things are also good. But I was pleasure deficient, as many people are.
Really Naomi? Pleasure deficient? How is that possible? We can push a button and get just about anything we want!
Pleasure is not equal to instant gratification. Which helps explain why addiction isn’t inherently satisfying. Haha
Most people are pleasure malnourished, because they need to relearn how to be in, and soak in true pleasure.
Some of us even have unconscious negative feelings about the feeling of pleasure. We may have guilt associated with it, like it isn’t okay to feel good. So we may do things to take us out of the discomfort of feeling pleasure, like eating something that tastes good, but scrolling through our phone at the same time.
What I have done is work on expanding my capacity to feel good by staying with a pleasurable sensation longer than I normally would. Also called SAVORING.
I like to breathe in through my nostrils, and imagine that I’m breathing the sensation into every cell in my body. Another method is to imagine the awareness of the sensation starting up high, and pouring down and through you.
It may be that to start out you are not able to feel it in your whole body, so you can start by feeling one place in your body that might feel good-- like an organ, or even just a finger.
What I find pleasure in now:
Lighting a scented candle
The sound of rain on leaves
The first drink of water in the morning
The way the bathtub looks after I’ve cleaned it
Sitting with a friend and noticing the way the breeze moves through the trees
A freshly sharpened Ticonderoga pencil (black)
Starting the dishwasher
It only takes a few extra moments to linger in, and be with good feelings and good sensations. I’ve been doing this intentionally since the beginning of my recovery journey, but all habits have the potential to slip, even the ones that are inherently satisfying.
That’s why I find it so inspiring to be a part of a community of women who are willing to join me in these practices. These are practices that recognize our wholeness.
You are complete. You are not broken. Despite the pain, the patterns of the past, you can wade gently into those tender places and return to that sense of wholeness.
What moments can you slow down and savor today?