Take the Lid off of Containment, and Express Joy!
I was at a party, and I was really high. I had that giddy feeling from the first few minutes after smoking, plus I was at a house where most people were pot smokers so I decided to let my goofiness out.
Whatever it was I said or did, a friend of my husband’s looked right at me and said, “Wow, Naomi’s been smoking!”.
Instantly, I felt myself contract from chemically-induced exuberance to shame.
Goddamnit, I thought to myself. If I can’t even act stoned at a party full of stoners, what’s the point of getting high?
It had been years since getting drunk, and high on pot had morphed from something I did to socialize, to something I did mostly in the privacy of my own living room. Although as far back as high school, I remember being embarrassed by the way I “acted weird” when I smoked pot around other people.
What I considered “cool” was to be able to drink alcohol or do drugs, and then hide the effects. Maybe act a little more confident. Maybe be more willing to dance. But BE COOL about it.
By the time I had my career at a software company, I didn’t want anyone to see me under the influence of anything. Occasionally my facade slipped— once I got drunk on tequila at a work function, and decided to lay face down on the carpet to pretend like I was doing the crawl stroke through some confetti. I thought it was hilarious at the moment. The next day I felt like hiding.
I love having fun, but I hated being out of control.
But now, one of the things I adore about being sober, is the way I can DECIDE to take the lid off of my containment and be silly, be goofy, and be grateful out loud. I get to make the choice to act on my impulses and have good, clean fun!
One example is from a few weeks ago, when we were at the swimming pool in my hometown. A lifeguard blew the whistle for everyone to get out of the water for a 15 minute break. My sister and I decided it was a dance break, and got down to the music playing while we waited to get back in the pool. That was good, clean fun that I chose to have with a clear mind.
Why is it that our culture seems to tell us that the only way we can sing karaoke, go down the waterslide, get on the dance floor, or tell a funny and embarrassing story about ourselves is if we’ve been drinking booze?
It’s sad, if you really think about it.
Pre-pandemic I went to a 50th birthday party where the entire theme was dancing. Megan, the woman who was turning fifty, had a birthday wish for everyone to dance to fifty ska songs with her. It was in the invitations, it was in the reminder email….
She had even put together a compilation of songs that aligned with dance videos that played on the wall, so we could get ideas of ska moves to do with each song!
When Megan started dancing, who got up to dance with her? As I looked around at my fellow dancers, I realized it was just us sober folks!
Everyone else stood around watching, sucking at their drinks, waiting until they got drunk enough.
It was over an hour later when others finally joined us on the dance floor!
Getting sober is NOT A REASON TO STOP DANCING. In fact, it is the perfect reason TO dance. To sing. To take off your pants if your underwear looks like a swimsuit bottom (that’s another story).
It’s like we’ve been under this mass delusion that we aren’t allowed to take the lid off of our containment and just. Have. Fun.
I didn’t even feel like I could do it when I WAS under the influence!
In Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection– Your Guide to a Wholehearted Life, Guidepost #10 is named Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance– Letting Go of Being Cool and “Always in Control”.
She writes:
A good belly laugh, singing at the top of your lungs, and dancing like no one is looking are unquestionably good for the soul. But as I mentioned, they are also exercises in vulnerability. There are many shame triggers around the vulnerability of laughing, song, and dance. The list includes the fear of being perceived as awkward, goofy, silly, spastic, uncoool, out of control, immature, stupid, and foolish. For most of us, this is a pretty scary list. The gremlins are constantly there to make sure that self-expression takes a backseat to self-protection and self-consciousness.
Brene adds, “We want to be able to control what other people think about us so that we can feel good enough.”
Good news everyone! We can’t control what other people think, they don’t think about us as much as we think they do, AND you can feel good enough on your own!
I’d like to add— Please watch your own programmed tendencies to shame other sober people when they are expressing themselves. If you notice the phrase “Easy there! What’s in your water?” come to mind, please don’t say it. That’s exactly the kind of shame-inducing talk that makes people feel like they need to drink. Yikes!
My invitation to you is: Listen to your body’s desires. When you feel joy, express your joy. When you see others expressing joy without alcohol, cheer them on whole-heartedly!
Let’s do our part to create a world where fully present self-expression is encouraged. It’s a better world.