Redefining Hospitality in Sobriety
As I walked into the guest bedroom, I lit up with the glow of surprised delight. My friend had placed bouquets from her garden on the side tables, there was a fresh folded towel on the bed, along with a chocolate bar. I felt flattered that she had taken the time to think about what would make my stay with her more pleasant.
We walked in the door of their apartment, tired, sweaty, and disoriented from the long flight. They gave us time to settle in, fed us and let us go to bed when we were tired. They waited until the next morning to give us our “Welcome to Jakarta” gift bags. The bags included mosquito repellent, and a local brand of sports drink called “Sweat”.
My sister greeted us at the door, and obviously had taken the time to do her hair, makeup, and clothing. There were candles flickering around the room, and melodic Christmas music played softly in the background. I could smell something delicious in the kitchen, and saw nuts and olives out on the coffee table. “I’ll take your coats,” she said, and gave us big hugs.
In our monthly sobriety coaching from certified This Naked Mind senior coach Martha Wright , she talked about redefining hospitality. What does it mean to be a good host?
Thinking back on what “Drinking Naomi” would have said…. Yikes. Makes me cringe a bit.
Not only did I believe that being a good host meant supplying plentiful alcohol, but I regret to say that I pushed it on people. I believed that I knew better than they did about what would help them have a good time. “You don’t like the taste of wine? You don’t want to get too drunk? Here, let me make you a wine spritzer, you’ll love it!”
Martha asked us to reach back into our memories for times we received good hospitality. What did that look like?
Even as a former drinker, the times that stand out to me are not the ones where someone kept me supplied with booze. To be honest, that is the easy way out-- getting someone wasted is easy to do, but not the best hospitality.
So what does true hospitality look like?
Have some toys out if someone with kids is coming over
Take extra time to make sure the dog hair is cleaned off the sofa and the bathroom is wiped down
Set the table before your company arrives
Turn off the TV when your guests arrive
Make sure you have enough chairs for everyone.
Ask good questions, and really listen to the answers.
Find out if they like games, and if so— have one planned
If they are a gardener, suggest that you all take a walk to take a look at someone’s amazing flowers in their yard.
After dinner, invite everyone to move outside to watch the sunset and relax
Find out what time your guests normally eat dinner, and serve it at that time
There are so many ways to be a thoughtful host that don’t involve getting your guests drunk. It’s really about your individual guests, and what will make them feel special and taken care of.
This may be obvious, but not everyone has a problem with alcohol. There is this interesting thing that happened in my mind as a host, where I just assumed that others had the same brain chemistry as me, and that just isn’t true.
Will some people feel miffed that you aren’t getting them drunk when they come over? Well…. yeah. They might.
There is no right answer to any of this. You’ll have to figure out what you will do in certain situations.
One of my favorite things to do if I have people over who I know are regular drinkers, is to end anything I’m hosting early enough that they will have plenty of time to go home, or go to a bar, and get drunk after they leave my house. That’s good hospitality right there.
There are a lot of aspects of life we get to redefine as a sober person. It isn’t all about alcohol anymore, and that’s exciting!
Back to Martha’s question during our coaching call: Think back to times you felt taken care of as a guest-- what did your host do that made you feel that way? How does that affect your definition of hospitality in sobriety?